Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Let us ponder on the good times. Ya know when the Jonas brothers were incapable of growing facial hair and I didn't fully understand what a dick looks like
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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