You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
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