Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
And then he told me he was too tired for me to suck his dick. Physically and mentally too tired for me to suck his dick. What the fuck?
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
