Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave
dude are you serious?
I know you already have a pic on your phone
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
Randomize
