she woke up with a sticky ear
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Randomize