I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
Randomize
