this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
