We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I had sex with a Dutch boy on a rock last night. Happy graduation! x x
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
