And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
