My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
