i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Randomize
