You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
It's 1:37. You have 23 minutes to get your dick to the bar before I go home with the bartender... tick... tick...
Randomize
