so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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