The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
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