Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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