my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I am drinking green tea.... My liver is in shock
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Randomize
