there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Ewe he just snapped me a pic of his butt crack.. Should I be concerned?
Randomize