Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I have commenced my lesbian college experimentation. Wish me luck
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
