I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Well. Now I feel like I put pants on for nothing.
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Randomize
