ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
