Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
