I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
Randomize
