I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
whiskey dick. though we did manage to break my closet door and flood the bathroom.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I'm filtering his penis picture so I can see it better
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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