We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I smell like Dick and happiness
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