im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
