don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
Randomize
