If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
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