i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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