I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Well let's just say that she ended up trying to get it in with the wheelchair guy, who btw, can get an erection and quickly I might add
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Randomize
