I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
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