I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
Im done having sex . he ruined it for me after he said " can we use my penis as a shovel ?"
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
