Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize
