Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
Randomize
