Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Its kinda awkward hearing him say the food taste like ass considering what he did last night.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
It's official drugs can't kill me
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Randomize