does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
