thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
i'm signing you up for texting rehab
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
Randomize
