The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize