I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Few clarical questions about last night: 1. How did we get home? 2. Am I wearing your underwear? 3. Where is Andrea? 4. Guy with nose ring last night hot?
1. You tried hitch hiking "like a pro" and flashed cars while sticking out your thumb until I called Michael. 2. I don't know but probably. 3. Who is Andrea? 4. Hot.
Randomize
