You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
