I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
Randomize
