Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
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