Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?
Ya ya. Where you eating?
Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize