Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
