its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
Randomize
