Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
