Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
my soul wont recognize me after tonight
Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
Randomize
