I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
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