I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
