i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
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