erin looks like she hung out with the sham wow guy last night. she's got the beat up hooker look goin' on
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Randomize
