We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Well, find something you can use as a snorkel and be aware of your surroundings.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
Randomize
