ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
