In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
