I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
I collect Covid conspiracy theories like I collect Pokemon.
Randomize
