She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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