apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
It's shark week go big or go home
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize