If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.
And that worked?
9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.
Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
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