I hraet yuo
did you say you heart me or hate me?
who is this?
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
You were definitely drunk. You gave him an otphj in front of everyone.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
