She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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